Thursday, 28 July 2016

How (not) to take four children under seven to the cinema

1.  First, decide with uncharacteristic optimism to take children to the cinema to see Ice Age in French, assuming they'll be able to follow it because they've been at school for a year.

2.  Walk along a busy(ish) road to ensure you have your handbag (a hair's breadth from your arm) hit by a car's wing mirror.  For extra excitement, make sure the handbag is hanging on the arm that is holding your child so you know that she came close to being hit too.

3.  Ensure that at least one of your children is restless and cannot or does not want to follow the film after the first 45 minutes so that he  ends up fidgeting and saying he wants a poo for the following 45 minutes.  By the end, make sure he is trying to kick out and you are constantly holding your arm in the brace position and trying to tell him off without making a sound in the quiet cinema.

4.  Also make sure that  you take a child who has fallen very badly on her knee that day, is 2 years old and cries if you don't carry her (because of knee).  To render yourself unable to move without said child screaming, sit child on your lap.  For extra points, make sure she's in kicking range of aforementioned 'restless' child (see point 3).

5.  When exiting cinema with reasonably happy children and the rest of the audience who (you are almost sure) didn't know the hard work you put in to maintaining equilibrium as you were the only ones in your row, prepare yourself for thanks from your children.  This will ensure maximum disappointment when instead they turn around and complain about the lack of popcorn.

6.  Ask your twin boys to carry a water bottle for you so that you don't drop their sister.  When they will refuse, you will experience maximum frustration and helplessness.

7.  Expect some help from child number 1, so that when she walks ahead and makes a fuss because she can't sit in the front seat of the car you will hit rock bottom, emotionally.

8.  Make sure you shout at said children on the way home - including at least two or three uses of the 'f' word (which you've (almost) never used in front of them before), burst into tears and run into the house on your return.

Enjoy the show.


Dolores Doolittle said...

Wow! The thrills and spills and will there be a happy ending? - it`s been like watching Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid! (without guns). Couraaaage for the next time (seem to remember that was wished for anything from Open-Heart Surgery to a Bit of a Headache...)

Gillian Harvey said...

Next time...? :) x

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