I've finally realised the solution to all of my daily problems!
I need staff.
Having read that Kate Middleton is going to hire a maternity nurse to take on nights, and knowing that she already has a nanny (and doubtless many other members of staff) I've decided to follow her example.
Therefore, I'd like to advertise the following Situations Vacant:
Night-Time Maternity Nurse
Required for new baby. Duties will include all night feeds and changes.
Required for four slightly older children (age range 1-5). Duties will include dealing with any night-time waking, requests for water or milk, bedtime stories and early starts.
Required to provide three nutritious and cost-effective meals per day for children. Needs to have thick skin for times when hours of hard-work is entirely wasted by refusal to eat.
Required for at least three loads of washing and drying/ironing per day. Availability for overtime essential.
Required to run and play with four energetic and active children as and when required. Toilet training, nappy changing and bathing on a daily basis. Pacifying and removing of tablet devices essential - training will be provided.
Cleaners (2 Positions Available)
Required to deep-cleans small, sticky house. Constant cleaning and re-cleaning will be required. Duties will include expertise in sticky fingerprint removal.
Live in Therapist
Required for overworked and stressed out mummy and daddy. 24 hours on call. Must be qualified to prescribe tranquilisers.
Must be an expert in near lost causes, especially in the field of saggy tummies, underused muscles and the motivation of exhausted, reluctant and unfit parents.
The drawback? All positions are voluntary. Endless gratitude available, but that is all.
What do you reckon on my chances?