Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Situations Vacant

I've finally realised the solution to all of my daily problems!

I need staff.

Having read that Kate Middleton is going to hire a maternity nurse to take on nights, and knowing that she already has a nanny (and doubtless many other members of staff) I've decided to follow her example.

Therefore, I'd like to advertise the following Situations Vacant:

Night-Time Maternity Nurse
Required for new baby.  Duties will include all night feeds and changes.

Night-Time Nanny
Required for four slightly older children (age range 1-5).  Duties will include dealing with any night-time waking, requests for water or milk, bedtime stories and early starts.

Required to provide three nutritious and cost-effective meals per day for children.  Needs to have thick skin for times when hours of hard-work is entirely wasted by refusal to eat. 

Laundry Assistant
Required for at least three loads of washing and drying/ironing per day. Availability for overtime essential.

Daytime Nanny
Required to run and play with four energetic and active children as and when required.  Toilet training, nappy changing and bathing on a daily basis.  Pacifying and removing of tablet devices essential - training will be provided.

Cleaners (2 Positions Available)
Required to deep-cleans small, sticky house.  Constant cleaning and re-cleaning will be required.  Duties will include expertise in sticky fingerprint removal.

Live in Therapist
Required for overworked and stressed out mummy and daddy.  24 hours on call.  Must be qualified to prescribe tranquilisers.

Personal Trainer
Must be an expert in near lost causes, especially in the field of saggy tummies, underused muscles and the motivation of exhausted, reluctant and unfit parents.

The drawback?  All positions are voluntary.  Endless gratitude available, but that is all.

What do you reckon on my chances?


Anonymous said...

put me down for any duplicate applicants but must also be good with animals!! ha ha xx

Patricia Blyth said...

I had five in 10 years and then later 10 foster babies - not all at once but every time the social worker placed one of the babies for adoption she brought me a new one, I got most of them sleeping through the night at six weeks and that was about the time they found adoptive parents, I kept this up for two years but got to the point when broken nights became impossible to endure, my own children enjoyed learning about bottles etc. and except for the youngest were wonderful little helpers.

Gillian Harvey said...


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