Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Bad Mummy, Bad Wife, Bad Relationship, Bad Life

Most of the time I try to be upbeat, especially on the blog. And I do try to be positive most of the time. But that doesn't mean - of course - that things are always positive.

I refuse to ever, ever say or think that I don't want another child in my life. On paper - before conception - my family was complete; but once a child exists it has the right to life, and I will never believe otherwise.

But I am worried about the strain having a fifth child is going to have on me, Ray and of course the children.

It's very difficult to know how I feel about it at the moment, especially as I am in the exhausting first trimester, at a time at which Evie has decided that sleep just doesn't "suit" her.  But I do know that our life: physically, emotionally, financially is stretched close to breaking point all of the time at the moment.

And I've obviously stopped taking the tablets.

And I'm taking a high dose of my thyroid medication.

And I'm not really able to eat very sensibly because of nausea.

And I do wonder if I'm ever going to have a break ever again in my entire life.

Basically, I am finding myself being too short tempered - snapping at Lily (who does push it sometimes, but doesn't deserve to be snapped at for asking for a glass of water when she's in bed (it was the thought of trudging down the stairs for it)).  I found myself saying: "Do you ever think that I might just drop dead from tiredness one day?" Which is a horrible thing to  say to a four year old.  And of course I said I was sorry and I didn't mean it.

But I still said it.

And Ray and I, who at one stage never used to argue, are snapping at each other too.

It's probably me, but I do sometimes wonder whether Ray still loves me, and whether I'm flogging a dead horse.

I am being snappy, I realise that.  But I do have just cause - I am being pumped left and right with hormones: and I defy any man to have that artificially injected into him at the level at which I'm having to tolerate them and still remain perfectly composed.

Sometimes I wonder whether he even likes me.

I'm not depressed - I know this entry sounds like I am, but I know depression and this ain't it.

This is me feeling a little miserable tonight, a bit hormonal and a lot tired.

My poor little body has been pregnant at some point every year since 2009.

I'm sure it will look better in the morning.

Just please God I get some sleep tonight.


Cat said...

You're doing your best! Just thought I would say that I snapped for exactly the same reason last night (water in bed) and I'm not even pregnant. Being pregnant is hard, looking after kids is hard, keeping a relationship going is hard. Doing all three at once can seem nigh on impossible. But you will do it! Don't be too hard on yourself.

Gillian Harvey said...

Thanks Cat :) xx

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