Picture the scene. There I was a week ago Friday minding my own business when my brain (a plodding thing at the best of times, it seems) suddenly decided to do some maths. (1 + 1 + 1 = (DER.... ummmm..) 3. Oh shit).
To put it a different way, the little hamster that trots on the wheel in my head and keeps things moving suddenly realised that three unusual things had happened that week.
(Squeamish or male? look away now...).
1. I'd thought I'd got my period because there was a smudge of blood on Monday. But nothing further happened.
2. I'd smelt a very strong smell of fabric conditioner, and asked Ray whether he'd spilled it. Because it was ridiculously strong...
3. I'd got some spots.
Realising that something may be amiss, the little hamster climbed from his wheel and sat down at his little desk, with half-moon glasses in place. Clearing his throat, he picked up the phone...
At which point, a strange "eureka" or "oh shit" feeling went through my mind. I can't be, couldn't be pregnant?
More women's things: my dodgy thyroid means that since Evie, I've only just got my monthly back.
(OK, it's not "impossible": because I'm completely insane when I let myself be, I steer clear of hormonal contraceptives; but Ray and I have been (loud clearing of throat) ahem - Careful. More careful than you would expect a couple who were told they would NEVER conceive need be. One would think). So (more maths) using a contraceptive that is 99% effective, added to the fact that we were told we had a 1% (and deteriorating) chance of EVER conceiving back in 2007, plus dodgy thyroid, plus we're not teenagers (in case anyone was under that illusion, we're now both past our prime, if there ever was a prime). Plus, we're knackered most of the time (again, fill in the blanks on that one).
But it wouldn't be laughed away. I went out on Saturday and bought a test...
Which brings me on to fear and terror.
Has anyone noticed just how horrible the world is becoming? I asked Ray (that wise old sage what I is married to) whether the world was getting worse, in his learned opinion, or whether it was just that I was getting more aware of the sh*t. Grimly he confirmed my suspicions.
I can't watch the news, not really. Because it makes me feel afraid and powerless - more than it ever has. I have no power to do anything much. I can give money. I can speak up (for what that might be worth). But I can't stop the murder of innocents. Including children, for f*cks sake. Little babies and toddlers.
It's scary because no rational mind could possibly justify that in ANY cause. So there are thousands of irrational and murderous people intent on harm and violence out there. And probably here too.
And I can't help. I can't think of a single thing that I or anyone I know can do. Except watch the news and feel sick.
The only thing I can do is try to make my little corner of the world as good as it can be - try to make the people's lives around me a little better as and when I can. Which in some ways is nothing.
But if only everyone would do that, there really wouldn't be a problem at all.
And the comment on fear and terror above? It's not flippant. But if I am pregnant (and I might be), really what is there to fear? Oh no! I might have another baby! Oh no! I might be a little poorer! Oh no!! What if I get (whisper it...) sleep deprived.
For God's sake. Really, in all honesty, if that doesn't show how relative fear is, I don't know what does.
Finally, just so as not to bum you out, I'll finish on a high note.
Or a comic one, at least.
My daughter has begun to be a mini-me.
OK, so I've been a bit tired and ... ratty (and, no, I don't mean the loveable friendly creature from 'Wind in the Willows'). And now I have my moods played back to me by my daughter when things don't go her way.
Phrases uttered in the last few days by my four year old:
"Does anyone even THINK about MY feelings?"
"For God's sake!" (loud dramatic sigh).
"I've been upstairs ALL DAY!" (This is a variation on my 'on my feet all day' or 'working all day').
"So what? Tough break!" (Actually, the last one was from 'Scooby Do' - I'm more self-indulgent than mean).
So between me and a cartoon dog, I've created a monster. I wonder if the mask comes off?