Sunday, 31 August 2014

I am Alive

I've stopped my anti-depressant medication.

Over the last few days, I have felt every emotion known to man.  OK, I had a blip of anxiety (5 mins - I can handle that sucker these days), I keep welling up.

But you know what.

I've also been really, really silly.

Those who know me from days of yore will know what I mean.

I had the giggles.  I mean the PROPER giggles.  I realised that I hadn't had them for years.

I spent the afternoon having a water-fight with the boys.  (And, OK, I may have broken Joe, who looked a little blue-lipped towards the end, but other than that it was fun).

When I was pregnant with the twins and had my complete anxiety overload, I couldn't keep still - I would pace around the kitchen, my leg would shake when I sat down.  For the entire nine months and some time after there wasn't a moment of peace.  Seriously. Not a break.  The anxiety was as if I was in a screaming horror film every second of every day.

But... since that I've had my thyroid confirmed as dodgy.

A lot of my previous symptoms over the years are on the "thyroid list."  My thyroid issue doesn't always show up on routine blood tests as sometimes the TSH (that thing wot they test for) cheekily disguises my issue.

Blah blah blah.

What I'm saying is YES, I'm a highly strung, highly stressed, paranoid, deluded and slightly ditzy old cow.

But I can also be a lot of fun.

I forgot about the fun.

And the silliness.

And the absolute immature sense of humour-ness... 

I will never know how much of my past problems can be put down to anxiety, stress and how many could be thyroid related.

I don't know if I'll manage off the anti-Ds.  If I do (or WHEN I do) I'll never know if it's because I know myself better, or because now my thyroid is stable.

But I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know myself again.

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