Thursday, 31 October 2013

Immortality and Struggling in Darkness

Well, it's been a while...  As those of you who know me realise, I'm struggling at present.  I'm not going to go into details until I'm better (there! That was positive!) as dwelling on it isn't helpful.  But I will say that I live in fear every moment of every day: despite reassurance that my fears are irrational, they feel very real to me.  But I put one foot in front of the other, paste on a smile and cling to the hope that I've got through this before and will again. 

Which leads me on to this 'record' of both my happiness and my struggle.  When I started this blog, only a few weeks ago, I couldn't have been happier (although a little daunted by the prospect of 4 under 4!) - I can look back at that and give myself hope.  Also, I hope that this record of how I feel now will become solace to anyone who goes through similar times in the future and sees my (hopefully) recovery and future happiness...

I am really part of the first generation who have grown into adulthood in a real technological age.  It seems weird to me that I didn't have a computer when I grew up (except a Commodore 64 that played strange black and white games) and didn't know about the internet when I went to university.  (I used BOOKS!  Imagine!).  And so I am in uncharted territory with both my blog, my posts on forums and my Facebook statuses (as are many of you!).  How will our lives, recorded in miniature snap-shots online, be viewed by future generations?  Will they disappear into the mystery of cyber-space?  Will people searching in the future come across my posts relating to children?  Depression?  Anything?

We know that we leave a 'footprint' on the world-wide-web, but none of us know how long this will last, whether it will be looked at years after we have gone - is this immortality?  Our lives lived out forever in tweets and posts, photos and comments?  Or will someone in future years simply press 'delete'?

All I can say is thank god that camera phones and Facebook didn't exist when I went to uni...! (oh the shame!)

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