I washed the new baby clothes I've bought today - apparently you're meant to (something about fibres irritating newborns?). I've never been convinced, but am determined to "get it right" this time. For Lily, I was so paranoid I might lose her - even right at the end of the pregnancy - that I didn't dare pack until the last minute. For the twins, I was so depressed, it was as much as I could do to put my knickers on in the morning...
I want to prove to myself that I "can" do this right, that I "can" get through a pregnancy without anxiety and depression; that I "can" be prepared and organised. So, there they were - six little outfits, pink and perfect, flapping on the line... And then it rained. Argh!
Lily meanwhile has been a bit of a pain, love her though I do. She keeps smacking me, getting very moody and saying things like "if you DARE" and "I'm not going to play with you ANYMORE!" I think she's just tired from school (she started back this week), but I'm never sure how to deal with it. Do I ignore it? Do I clamp down on it? I veer so sharply from one technique to the other, it makes me feel like a complete failure. Then, she's all sweetness and light and picking daisies for me in the garden... v. confusing.
I know part of my "problem" (as such) as a mum is that I'm so paranoid that I'll pass on my anxious tendencies (now in remission) to her, that I try to make her "happy all the time" which is not only impossible, it's unnatural.
I think it's difficult, what with these days of psychobabble, where everyone's a psychologist, not to be 'uber aware' of the affect we can have on our children... Which makes it very hard to feel you're ever doing a good job!
Perhaps when I've got 4 running riot I'll have no more time to worry - here's hoping!! :D